I believe that Life comprises three simple events: birth, living, death, in that order. Thinking beings that we are, we like to manipulate and create various combinations of these events and amuse ourselves through the course of life. What more is there to life?

I believe that I have lived. I have planned, carried out those desires and irrespective of success or failure; carried on. I have loved, hated and experienced a range of emotions- not exhaustive but at times, exhausting indeed. What’s more- I have changed; for better or worse. Sometimes wantonly, sometimes been unknowingly influenced and at others because i have had no choice or recourse but to change.

I have so much to thank for- people and things and memories. Some of these i cussed when they first appeared on the horizon. Eventually, i learned that everything is truly for the best. And so it is for me now.

I mull about being dead and done with. I fear that i will miss those i love very much. A false sense of pride guides me to say that those will also miss me. I am not that bad as i make myself out to be. Or at times, as others make me out to be when i do not heed their bidding. All in all, it has been a good life and especially now, when i can afford the good things and do not feel answerable to anyone; it feels like a pity to think of having to go. I guess it’s a woman thing but i fear that those i do not love very much will take my clothes, jewelery and my bags. <makes a mental note to write a Will with a separate clause for the clothes.> Not sure if the dead need to bother about this but while I am alive, I might as well live up to it.

But after that (making a Will i.e.) what do i do for the rest of my life? I have been busy and I have been bored. I have loved and lost. I have coveted and have I cried. I have enjoyed and I have gossiped. I have lived- ah, you get the drift. Now, what next?

I have enjoyed the Arts to an great extent. I smiled and sang and danced and drew and painted and travelled and read. I have lived every moment. I cannot complain that i did not have a fair share of anything; for, I did- i had innocence, joy, love, hate, bitterness, regret, stupidity, flashes of intelligence and wisdom, jealousy, rage, vengeance, patience and briefer moments of compassion. Confidence, street-smartness, sassy-ness and over-smartness. Benefitted by some and paid for some; some more than some less. Irony, when i saw that my beliefs were not always consistent with life itself and the passion with which i defended them. The reluctance coupled with fear to let go- of even defunct things and thoughts alike. The most precious of all- sibling rivalry: the only form of love that can tear you apart.

Well, i have some more experiences but they are censored in this space. <what will i talk about at the press conference when this blog makes me famous? Stash up some more.>

All said and done, i have lived and enjoyed and repulsed. Now what?

I feel afraid to think that there’s nothing more i wish for. Is life really that simple or am i forgetting something? Is this normal? Even if it’s not, what’s the apprehension about? <wants to put a finger on it> To take inspiration from those around me, I have an option: to get busy and earn enough to pay my bills. Not my thing really nor am I so inspired as to continue with the earning and busying till I die. Am I alone in thinking these thoughts? Is there no respite from existing in life? What do I do if I choose not to do anything? How do I not do ? And so on, until death does its part…