I realize that while i toss away a piece of written work that does not cater to my taste, it really takes guts and gumption to sit down and write. It’s like getting on to the treadmill to keep the promise.

I signed-up on blogspot and waited until a friend told me that wordpress was his preferred blogsite. I used that as an excuse not to post anything because i was on blogspot while he said he liked wordpress better. Not that the friend mattered, just that i got a chance to put off writing. Then came the New Year but everyone knows that resolutions are more often than not, just that- never kept, only broken. Then again, i put off because i could never have found the same user name as blogspot on wordpress. Surprise! I did. So, i got down to write.

This is not my first time. I have been writing since i was a kid. The topics were not an issue. I usually wrote whatever came to my mind and what counted was that, i was not judgmental. Whatever i wrote had to be the best. Actually, there was no comparison. I mean that literally. Then one day, i let doubt seep through.

When i shared my works, elders encouraged my writing. Some others said i thought too much of myself for a kid. Mind you, both comments were distinct but i have this knack of perceiving things. In the process of growing up, i learned to muddle things up instead of clarifying them. I took my personal shortcomings to my writing and brought the writing mistakes to personal life. After a while, i gave up writing. I had learnt to blame others and excused myself out of the writing habit.

The education system gave me enough opportunities to write and i wanted to pursue it. There haven’t been too many writers in the Family, you see. Law or Teaching was a safer bet. I chose Psychology and then again, Philosophy. My thoughts in my essays were lauded. I was humbled because as all writers know, it’s not always about yourself. It’s the urge; you merely give in to it. I often resisted.

Writing aids introspection and is a meditative tool. It’s psychotherapy. And I used it sparingly. But I kept the flame burning. Now and then it threatened to extinguish itself and was burning very low. Meanwhile, I suffered a burn out.

Today, i am contemplative. I feel a need for self-expression and i cannot always talk to people openly about what i think. There are too many stakeholders waiting to drive the stake of holly through my thoughts. It pains my heart to find that, like Emerson said- “It’s a luxury to be understood.” So, i chose to write. I am seeking that child in me who expressed herself without knowing fear or failure. I want to reconnect to me. It may seem egotistic if i say that i crave to love myself.

It’s a new thing for me this year and i hope to stretch it. I hope to have practical use for my blogposts and start a trend in time. For instance, when i have a conversation in a social circle, i plan to interject with- “Did you read my blogpost about this very thing? I think you should get to know my thoughts on that and maybe we should talk afterwards.” That would take care of any fear of scarce traffic dissolving me into a blogger par oblivion. Plus, i could put that GRE word list to good use while i am at it. Language lovers and frenzied readers, here i come- now, pass the first draft!